Hi, I'm Bri.

I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder in 2017, while in a 3 month long Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP). My dad was the first to suggest the diagnosis, before I was professionally diagnosed, pointing out the symptoms seemed to align exactly to my experiences. I was volatile - sobbing hysterically daily at what others believed to be minor inconveniences, and reacting unreasonably to anything that deterred my daily plans or routine. My relationships were in shambles, as I required constant validation and reassurance, while simutaneously pushing everyone away with my abhorent behavior towards others. One moment I would be pleading for someone to remain in my life, and the next moment I would be telling them to never speak to me again - spending hours to weeks unable to complete simple tasks like eating, showering, going to work or even getting out of bed because I was so consumed by overwhelming emotions. I engaged in daily self harm in an attempt to understand and place my emotional pain, and would often stay up all night, begging my partner to help keep me from clawing at my open wounds. I writhed in constant agony over my inner turmoil, and was unkind and highly reactive to everyone around me. No one was safe from my wrath, and amidst walking on eggshells, I lost many people important to me. 

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At this time, I tried to maintain normalcy in my life, by beginning a Master's level program in Social Work, funded by a full ride scholarship I received for military involvement on campus. I struggled but continued to hold my job at the mental health institution I worked at as a psychiatric technician, and my life appeared 'normal' to most, despite my constant state of dysfunction. This 'normalcy' quickly unraveled when I became hospitalized in October 2017 for voicing I no longer wanted to continue living, and developed a plan to end my life. I was hospitalized for 5 days. Upon discharge, I decided that the only way I could continue with my life was to pursue authentic happiness. 

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Just a month after my hospital stay, I found myself asking, "what would make me happy? How do I live authentically?", to which I answered "going home". Home to me was where I remember feeling safest - Florida - where I was born and raised until about 9 years old. It was hard for my family to understand, but to me, this was my chance to save my life. I forfeit my scholarship I had worked so hard for, and withdrew from the Social Work Program. I left my job. I found someone to sublet my apartment, packed my small car with some belongings and my dog, and moved over 1,000 miles away. I reconnected with a good friend from highschool that also found herself in Florida, and became a roommate to herself and 2 strangers. I found myself in a new environment, surrounded by mostly new faces, and to me, this felt necessary. My current environment was keeping me sick, and I no longer wanted to choose suffering over healing.

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I spent about 2 years in Florida, continuing to navigate my symptoms independently and avoiding another hospitalization. Moving wasn't a magic fix, but it did provide me with the environment I needed to begin healing. I disconnected from all social media, began seeing a therapist regularly, took my medication, and began to put in the work to recover and manage my BPD. 

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In 2019, I moved back to Wisconsin. The decision was bittersweet - I missed my family - but also was afraid to come back to a place that I felt couldn't nurture my happiness or authentic self. The transition was difficult, but I found support from family, friends, and professionals - and I prevailed.

 

Fast forward to the time of writing this, March 2024. Much has happened before this point, and things have not been easy, but I have come a long distance from the person I was when first diagnosed. My therapy dog and ESA, Brynn, has been with me now for about 7 years - she has been with me since June 2017 when I rescued her at 6 months old. I have a fulfilling and loving relationship with a partner who offers me unconditional love and support - his capacity to love is beyond what I feel deserving of, and I am incredibly grateful. I am graduating next month with a Master's Degree and a 3.7 GPA, something I didn't feel capable of accomplishing in 2017. This journey has been painful - but possible. I still struggle with Borderline Personality Disorder and its' symptoms - emotional regulation, identity disturbance, impulsivity, fear of the unknown, fear of abandonment, splitting, self harm urges, etc. However, I no longer allow the symptoms to define my identity, my behaviors, my actions or my life.

 

Treating Borderline Personality Disorder requires courage. It is terrifying to open up about trauma, ask for help, face stigma, be vulnerable - but it has been the only way I have come to find peace in living. Once I felt I could live authentically, I felt I could take back my power. My message to anyone visiting this site is - you deserve to heal. You deserve to have access to treatment, education and resources to assist you in healing. We often find ourselves staying sick - not because we want to, but because we feel we have to, in able to feel seen, heard, and validated. Our internal wounds demand to be seen, and staying sick and suffering showed others how much pain I was in, but it kept me unable to heal and thrive. I will leave you with this quote by Theo Von on beginning the process of healing and prioritizing self care:

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"I'm sorry you are so mean to yourself. I don't mean that as a reflection of who you are, because I know, like me, you don't wanna be. I'm proud of you - because I know how hard it is to take care of ourselves. I know that for me, I never wanted to take care of myself. Because if I took care of myself, then I was always doing someone elses' job. Instead, I always wanted to show you how much I was hurting. And so starting to take care of myself was the opposite of that. I'm proud of you."