BPD & Dialectical Parenting

As mentioned under the 'Therapy-DBT' section of this website, dialectical means that two things can both be true at the same time, even if they are opposite of each other. Explore tips, tricks and methods on how to apply dialectical parenting to your children's lives and experiences. Dialectical parenting can be helpful if you are a parent with BPD, or if you have a child diagnosed with BPD.

Parenting Principles

1. Parenting requires dedicating all of your energy towards nurturing another individual, enabling them to eventually become independent and self-sufficient, ultimately separating from you.

2. Parenting involves shielding your child from harm while also recognizing the importance and advantages of their struggles.

3. Being a parent means prioritizing your child above all else, without allowing that love to consume your entire life.

4. Being a parent means finding a balance between forming a deep connection with your child and giving them the freedom to discover their own identity.

5. Parenting involves making deliberate decisions while also staying somewhat detached from the results of those decisions.

6. Parenting requires making countless decisions on behalf of an infant, fully aware that one day they will be the ones making all the decisions for you.

Apply Non-Judgemental Thinking

Making quick judgements creates distance from reality and hinders parenting effectiveness. Judgemental thought leads to unnecessary stress and unproductive emotions.

Clues you are being judgemental:

1. Using 'should' or 'could'.

2. Swearing or using profane/vulgar language.

3. Using derogatory descriptors, such as 'fat, ugly, stupid, dumb'.

4. Using a condenscending or aggressive tone.

To neutralize judgemental thoughts, use CLEAR:

C - categorize thoughts and notice judgement

L - Leave behind any thoughts that have a good/bad 'should' quality

E - Evaluate consequences or benefits of your actions or child's actions

R - Remind yourself that everything in your family makes perfect sense/normalize

Acceptance & Change

Majority of parenting interventions can be considered as either an acceptance strategy or change strategy. Dialectical parenting encourages balance of the two. Most problematic parenting is caused due to an unabalance of the two.

Acceptance Strategies:

1. Validate child's thoughts/feelings

2. Being interested in your child's experiences

3. Asking for your child's opinions

4. Letting your child learn from their mistakes and choices

5. Allowing your child what they want

6. Facial expressions/body language that convey acceptance

Change Strategies:

1. Telling your child 'No'

2. Consequences for misbehavior

3. Lectures/Communication/Discussion

4. Ignoring misbehavior

5. Defending your point of view/explaining

6. Facial expressions/body language that conveys a desire for change

7. Telling your child why they should think differently

Letting Go of Emotional Suffering

Navigating painful or difficult emotions can be exhausting and frustrating. Use WAIT to help you when you're feeling you just don't know what to do.

W - Watch your emotion. Step back from it in your mind - gain perscpective.

A - Action is not necessary - even if you have an urge to do something, you don't need to do anything.

I - Internally experience your emotion - think of it as a wave coming and going. Don't ignore it, but also don't pay any extra attention to it.

T - Think of your painful emotion as a 'helper', who informs you about your world and helps motivate you to do things you need to do.

Protecting Your Child from Emotional Suffering

Navigating painful or difficult emotions is hard to do as an adult, let alone for a child to do, especially alone. Use LEARNS to help you with what to do when your child has a painful emotion.

L - Let your child experience the unavoidable pain

E - Empathically notice what you see them experiencing

A - Ask them what they may be able to learn from the emotion

R - Remind your child they are loved, even when in pain

N - Name the emotion with/for your child

S - Seperate your own feelings from that of your child - both can be valid.

Validation

Validation involves acknowledging your child's emotions, thoughts, and actions from their perspective, showing that you comprehend where they are coming from without necessarily approving or endorsing their decisions.

Validation helps children regulate their feelings, increase their self-esteem and self-awareness, increase rapport of your relationship with them, and reduce likelihood and intensity of future conflicts.

How to provide validation to your child:

1. Listen and observe with intention

2. Remain curious - ask questions

3. Reflect - talk with your child about how you are understanding their thoughts/feelings

4. Put your own stuff on the shelf for now - save your thoughts and feelings for a more appropriate time

5. Read between the lines - help your child to understand

6. Validate the validatable - even if your disagree, find the truth from your child's perspective

7. Validate in terms of common sense